I’m not gonna lie, Coco Crisp really pissed me when he played for the Red Sox. Other than his first spring training with the team in 2006, I can’t remember a time when I felt good about his contributions to the team. My opinion of him reached its nadir when he started the bench-clearing brawl with the Rays last season, after James Shields had the temerity to hit him in the leg with a pitch — a purpose pitch which should have put an end to the stupid back-and-forth peeing contest that started when Jason Bartlett blocked second base with his knee as Crisp tried to steal.

Crisp should have taken his lump and gone to first. Instead he needlessly caused a bench-clearing brawl. Brilliant. He and Jonny Gomes should go bowling.

Sure, Coco had his moments of greatness — remember that diving catch against the Mets? — but more often than not I muttered, "Coco Crisp, you (bleeping) hump," after he grounded out weakly to second or third, or popped up to right field or left field, or basically just sucked. I despised his batting stance, which had the kind of lame weight transfer you see from 10-year-olds trying to switch-hit in Wiffle ball.

Really? A locked front leg? No wonder you were only good for a line drive every two weeks.

Sure, Dustin Pedroia must be thrilled to take home the American League’s MVP award. Think of all the superstars he overcame to do this. He has once again proved so many wrong. Just as he did during Spring Training as he gets some payback to Gary Tanguay for comments he made in 2007.

I think individual awards are bogus, especially the Most Valuable Player award, which might be given to Dustin Pedroia today. Sure, the MVP trophy helps line the pockets of successful players, many of whom signed incentive-laden contracts that pay them handsomely for finishing in the top 10 in MVP balloting. But all you need to know about this BS-exercise is this: Albert Pujols won the National League MVP yesterday, and Pujols was the only player named on all 32 ballots. So MLB took 32 baseball "experts," and the only thing they could all agree on was that Albert Pujols was one of the 10 most valuable players in the NL last season.

Brilliant.

Pedroia might win today. Or maybe he’ll lose some votes to Kevin Youkilis, which might throw the MVP to Josh Hamilton or Justin Morneau or Francisco Rodriguez. Frankly, who cares? I couldn’t sit here and tell you that Pedroia was definitively more valuable than Youkilis this season. Why? Because no one can decide what "most valuable" means; everyone uses their own convenient definition, while excluding candidates who don’t fit those parameters.

I mean, Rob Neyer of ESPN.com picked Lance Berkman as National League MVP. And Jonah Keri, also of ESPN.com, picked Cliff Lee as American League MVP. Why? I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. They have their reasons, so that’s that. In baseball, reading why someone’s voting for such and such a person is the second-biggest waste of time. Writing about who you’d vote for is the biggest.

Speaking at Fenway for the first time since the end of the season, Red Sox DH David Ortiz made a startling announcement yesterday—he’s now the team’s GM.

In addition to acquiring a few stronger arms for the bullpen, Ortiz said the team just needs "another 30-home run guy and we’ll be all set.”

Ortiz also added he plans to install robotic beard groomers in every locker and that team flights will now be MC’d by Daddy Yankee.

When reached at home in Arizona for comment on Ortiz’s remarks, MVP-candidate Dustin Pedroia initially replied, "You know, I don’t get paid to make decisions like, and I don’t think David does either." Upon hearing that Big Papi now apparently does, the fiery second baseman delivered a diatribe not fit for this Internet.

But there’s one big question that GM Ortiz failed touch on: "When you say another 30-homer hitter, you’re talking about Jason Bay right? After all, he’s the only guy who did it last year…

OK, Papi was speaking in the name of a good cause yesterday, and has always been an A+ teammate, so I don’t want to be too critical. In an age where every single athlete gives the same exact answer to every single question, it’s actually refreshing to hear a player openly speak his mind. That being said, nothing good can come from comments like that. It’s not going to effect how Theo does business, it can only irk teammates. We know that Papi’s still pissed off about the way last season ended. He should be. But he should also leave the analysis to Theo

As Buster Olney outlines in his blog today, Milwaukee fireballer Ben Sheets is not drawing nearly as much attention in the Hot Stove League as free-agent CC Sabathia or potential trade bait Jake Peavy. Given Sheets history of breaking down, teams are understandably gun-shy about investing big dollars in the righty ace. Nevertheless, when Sheets is healthy, the man is nails, as Olney points out.

At midseason, he seemed poised for a big-money free-agent score, as the NL starter in the All-Star Game. Then Sheets broke down late in the season, again, reinforcing a perception that he is a serious injury risk. But Casey Close, an agent with a reputation among general managers as a straight shooter, is letting everybody know that Sheets’ injury was merely a muscle tear, and not a structural problem in his elbow, and he’s got MRIs to prove it. And undoubtedly, Close is reminding teams of what Sheets does when he pitches: Over the past five seasons, his ERA has been 2.70, 3.33, 3.82, 3.82 and 3.09. Over the past five seasons, he has issued just 152 walks in 839 1/3 innings with 785 strikeouts, numbers that are remarkable.

Sheets is not going to get Sabathia dollars, but as other top pitchers come off the board, at some point, some team is probably going to make a move on the 30-year-old right-hander, and for big dollars.

According to Scott Miller of CBS Sportsline, the Red Sox have been kicking the tires on Tigers pitcher Dontrelle Willis, possibly in hopes of acquiring the lefty veteran for Julio Lugo. Honestly, the thought of Willis pitching in Fenway gives me cold sweats. He’d probably be the anti-Lester, coughing up home runs like Bert Blyleven. But the prospect of dumping Lugo (who has no upside) for Willis, who does, still sounds intriguing.

Mind you, Willis had an ERA of 9.38 in 8 starts for Detroit last year, and a 5.17 ERA for the Marlins in 2007. So he seems to be trending downward. But he’s only 26 years old. He was sent to the minors last season, basically to re-learn how to pitch. If the Red Sox like his raw skills (and think they can turn him back into the pitcher who won 22 games in 2005), then why not trade him for Lugo?

With the emergence of Jed Lowrie, Manny’s pet is now expendable. The salaries of the two players are more or less commensurate: Lugo is owed $18.5 million over the next two years; Willis, $22 million.

Sure, that’s a difference of $3.5 million. But if I had that kind of scratch, I’d definitely spend it to be rid of Julio Lugo and obtain Willis. I mean, if you’re gonna be stuck with a salary, wouldn’t you rather it be a young left-handed starting pitcher than a no-field, no-hit shortstop?

In this story posted on Sportsline, Yankees’ general manager Brian Cashman discusses the team’s approach to the free-agent market. The Yankees, who refused to include Philip Hughes in a trade for Johan Santana last year, haven’t won a World Series since 2000, and now sound rather desperate to attract interest from marquee players.

Regarding his strategy, whether he’ll identify a clear No. 1 pitching priority on the free-agent market such as (CC) Sabathia and concentrate on him first, or whether he’ll cast a wide net and pursue many pitching fronts at once, Cashman said: "I’ll go after them all and see who comes after us. We’re going to be on the board on pitchers and position players. We’re going to show a lot of love and see who loves us back."

Aww, that’s sweet. I’m rich enough, demanding enough, profligate enough, delusional enough…and I need pitchers and hitters who don’t suck in the clutch and won’t choke under the glare of the NYC media, because we have a new billion-dollar stadium underwritten by the taxpayers, many of whom are now unemployed… and gosh darn it, I hope people like me.

Al Franken, locked in a senatorial recount in Minnesota, must be proud the Yankees’ general manager is channeling his old Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley.

Cam Martin also writes for CBS Sportsline and BugsandCranks.com.

Unlike Michael Wilbon of Pardon the Interruption, I love the Hot Stove. Sure, 90 percent of the speculation will never come to fruition, but it’s always invigorating to consider the possibilities for your team and other teams. Example: I hope to Vishnu the Yankees sign Manny Ramirez. It’d be nice to see that Bronx team full of delusions once again. Besides, it’s obvious the Yankees still need pitching, which is why it’s surprising they declined the option on Carl Pavano. Granted, the guy only managed to make it to the hill 26 times in four seasons, but he proved towards the end of ‘08 that he was far from washed up. Who knows, maybe he’ll re-up with the Yankees for a cheaper base salary than the $14 million he would have received in ‘09. Or — and please, don’t pass out — he’ll come back to the team that drafted him.

Your Boston Red Sox.

Yeah, I know Pavano has become a punchline, particularly in New York, where the failings of the last four years have largely been placed at the feet of Carl. But the fact is, the Red Sox pushed hard to sign him in 2005, when he was a free agent coming off a career year in Florida. Have Theo Epstein and the powers that be lost all love for Pavano? Maybe. And maybe they know that signing Pavano would both inflame the Sox fan base and stoke the excitement of those fans of the Bronx. In other words — a double whammy.

Sox general manager Theo Epstein said at the general managers’ meeting in California that he doesn’t expect free agent Sean Casey to be back with the Sox next season, according to this story by Paul Hoynes of Cleveland.com. If so, WEEI will need to find a new funny guy for its Red Sox bits.

Casey had a decent season for the Sox and seemed to be universally liked by the team. But the guy has no power left (0 home runs in 199 at bats). Sure, he hit..322 and had a very good .381 on-base percentage. But a .392 slugging percentage is anemic for a backup first baseman with no wheels, questionable defense and a history of missing games. He spent time on the DL this year with a strained hip and he’s a an old 33.

When he signed a one-year deal with the Sox for $800,000, I was excited, because it’s not every day a .300 hitter is willing to stifle his ego and sit on the bench. He probably could have signed a longer deal for more scratch from another team. But Casey, who made it to the World Series with the Tigers in 2005, had never won a ring. He felt Boston was his best chance. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen for the Sox this year, and it looks like The Mayor will have to go ring-hunting in another city.

Watching today’s championship parade in Philadelphia brought back some wonderful memories of 2004, when the Red Sox’s franchise was less successful and hated than it is now. Back then, Boston was the feel good story. But in the last four years, public sentiment (outside the Nation, of course) has turned decidedly against us. It’s taken some time to get used to this new dynamic, but it’s been growing on me. So much so that I can now state unequivocally that Orioles fans can kiss my ass.

Within the American League East, Baltimore fans used to treat Boston fans with a level of respect foreign to Yankee rooters, Blue Jay fans and David Chalk, the Rays writer at Bugs& Cranks, who, to the best of my knowledge, was the only Rays fan in existence until this past July. But that all changed in the last few years, particularly since the Orioles continue to suck the big one, while Red Sox fans, dissuaded from ponying up $500 per seat at Fenway, head south to Camden Yards when the O’s are hosting the Red Sox. This, in turn, has created a great deal of animosity among diehard O’s fans. To which I say, call your local congressman if you want to whine.

In the past, when the Yankees always advanced beyond the Red Sox in the postseason, I’d continue watching baseball, if only to root against the Bronx Bombers. This season, however, I’ll derive no joy in rooting against the Tampa Bay Rays. They’ve only beaten us this one time, so it’s a little difficult to summon vitriol against the long-time losers.

As a baseball fan, I’d like to think I’ll watch a good portion of the World Series between the Rays and the Phillies. But it’ll be difficult, since I’ll inevitably spend so much time thinking about the ways in which the Red Sox would have matched up against Philadelphia. Given that, I’m not sure how often I’ll tune in to the series. And let’s face it, fellow Sox fans, don’t we all deserve a much-needed break from baseball? I know I do. It seems like yesterday that I was waking up at 5 a.m. to watch the team play in Japan. It’s been an eventful season, and ultimately the Sox were undone because Delmon Young (now of the Twins) was a pain in the ass, so the Rays traded him to Minnesota for Matt Garza, the guy who threw a gem last night in Game 7.

Thank you, Delmon Young. May you live in interesting times, ya hump.

I’m happy the Red Sox came back from a three games to one deficit and forced Game 7. And I’m happy the team wasn’t undone by a Buckneresque play or a Grady-like coaching gaffe. So I sit here this morning disappointed, but not heartsick.

In the middle of the 7th inning, with the Red Sox trailing the Rays 7-0, my wife abandoned the vigil and went to bed. I told her I was staying up, because the Red Sox, while heartless and inert, had been a big part of my life for six-plus months. I owed it to this team (to myself) to watch it through to its morbid, inevitable finale, even though it felt like watching your friend go to the gallows.

But in the words of Gunny Sgt. Hartman, "Well, holy dog sh*t."

Four runs scored on two-out hits in the 7th?

Pedroia’s feisty at-bat, getting us off the snide?

A three-run homer from Big Papi, who’d been dead?

A two-run homer from J.D. Drew, who’d been dead?

Remember the Duke-Kentucky game when Laettner hit that game-winning turnaround from the foul line off that baseline baseball pass? Thomas Davis put his hands on his head and nearly wept in disbelief.

(What, you want my man card? Fine, take it, I nearly deuced through the floor when J.D. Drew went yard.)

And then, once I regained control of my bowels, Mark Kotsay finally gets one past B.J. Upton. At this stage, I’m saying, "OK, we came back, we showed we had some grit. If we have to lose 7-6, with Coco Crisp at the plate, I can’t complain."

I don’t have the wherewithal to write a cohesive column during these depressing times, so I’m going to fall back on the Ross Perot format and use bullet points. Then, when that’s over, I’m going to use one of those bullets to blow my brains out.

* Yesterday on PTI, Tim Kurkjian said the last time a pitcher had won a postseason game after 16 days rest was Red Ruffing back in like 1930. Apparently no one shared that tidbit with Terry Francona.

* Wakefield flouncing on the ground and struggling to get up on that Carl Crawford dribbler basically symbolizes this Red Sox squad right now. They’re beaten down. They look old. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak, etc.

* The next time I see Mike Timlin on the mound, he’d better be throwing out the first pitch at a Sox game next spring.

* Varitek, yeah, don’t think you’ll be getting that Posada-like four-year deal this offseason. P.S. Stop trying to hit left-handed. P.P.S. Stop trying to hit right-handed.

* Good to see Sean Casey is playing a big part in this series. Pinch-hitting in a blowout? When he’s healthy, he’s probably the second-most consistent bat (Youkilis) on the entire team. Why not put him at first base and Mark Kotsay in center? Because of defense? What defense is there against five-run deficits? I know — offense. Something we don’t get from Crisp and Ellsbury.

1. Mix Up The Order

The combination of Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis—hitting first and second in the lineup—was the No. 1 reason the Red Sox won last year’s title. Starting in Game 5 against the Indians, they dominated every single game, shaking the pitchers and setting the table for the big bats.

Of course, in 2008 the bats aren’t nearly as large, but why not reunite those guys at 1 and 2? How about this lineup?

Pedroia
Youkilis
Papi
Bay
Drew
Kotsay
Varitek
Lowrie/Cora
Ellsbury

The string of lefties at the end is tough, but Tek and Lowrie can spin it around and Ellsbury hit .295 off lefties this season. Let Pedey set the tone, let Jacoby relax a little, give Papi a few more ducks to work with. This line up does all that.

Note: It blows my mind that Alex Cora isn’t a switch-hitter.

2. Pinch Hit For Tek

It’s no longer just expected that Jason Varitek will fail to come through, it’s automatic. He’s got nothing. It’s not even about him not getting hits, it’s more how bad he looks while not getting them. He’s completely overmatched. Grasping at straws. 

So if the game’s in the seventh inning or later, and Boston’s in a position to drive in a run, Tek needs to take a seat. No question. Every time.

When the Red Sox faced the Angels at 10 p.m. EST in game one of the ALDS, I nearly set my TiVo and watched the game the next morning. The only reason I didn’t? I didn’t see any way I could wake up the next morning, watch the game AND organize The Hub without learning the outcome.

It’s one thing to turn off your phone and not watch Sportscenter or the news. It’s another thing to browse the Web, looking for stories about the Celtics, Patriots and Bruins and not come across the score of a Red Sox playoff game.

Well, for today anyway, we won’t have to deal with these playoff games that end after midnight. At least I hope we won’t.

For the first time this postseason, the Red Sox are playing an afternoon game. And personally, I love it.

I know a 4:37 p.m. start is inconvenient to some. But really, is it more inconvenient than a game that starts at 8:30 and ends after midnight?

The excitment of an afternoon playoff game is so much different too. You kind of rush around, making sure all your responsibilities are taken care of, knowing the game is fast approaching. I don’t get that sense of excitement when a game starts at 7 or 8 p.m. And I surely don’t have it when the game starts at freaking 10. Those games are like doctor’s appointments scheduled for late in the day — you know you have to go, but you’d just as soon not.